


The Absurd

by rainycloudstudent



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Absurdism, Anxiety, Atheism, Depression, Existential Crisis, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:08:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29271513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainycloudstudent/pseuds/rainycloudstudent
Summary: TW: existential dread, depression.Internal expectations clash with the seeming meaninglessness of life. Cracks in the system cause immense emotional pain and feelings of dread. Despite these circumstances, can two souls find the solace in each other?Things to note:* OOC (out of character) behavior - there is reasoning behind depicting the characters the way they are in this fanfic, but it can be debatable;* ESL (English as second language) - expect some weird phrasing and grammar. I do try my best to proof-read and edit before posting, but if you notice a spelling mistake or weird phrasing, please let me know <3;* AU - the fanfic is not in game-world.
Relationships: Monika/Sayori (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	1. Epiphany

Distant stars are drowning in the light pollution of the city. Cars, stuck in the evening traffic jam, are violently honking to voice the concerns of their passengers. 

_Almost summer…_  
I inhale. Slowly exhale.  
_But does that matter?_

I suppose that from an outsider’s perspective, I look as fully consumed by distress, with my uniform crumpled, and a signature bow missing from my hair. But! I can attest my brain is on and completely clear, taking in the scenery.

I am — by the way, my name is Monika. If you didn’t know, hi! — enjoying the last minutes of my unimportant life. I guess, I can also (although prematurely) say goodbye? Man, who thought that two classes in AP Philosophy would send me down a rabbit hole of absurdism? I certainly did not anticipate such developments, but I suppose they were natural given my general disdain with life. Like, come on! Children get cancer? How is that morally defensible? 

Okay, I am rambling, sorry. But to truly understand why I am sitting on the rooftop at my school, you need to look at the entire situation — after all, I preach logic, rationality and heuristic approach to moral judgement. 

We-… We can begin from school! I think that would be a good starting point. It is also a turning point for me because while kindergarten was a place of innocence, school became the purgatory. Constant barrage of expectations from my parents, hollow praises from teachers and a disgusting amount of glee from my so-called ‘admirers’ — it was an insufferable mix. At least, in my junior year I started the Literature Club (or, as Sayori called it — LIT Only Club), which was an escape. Quitting the Debate Club was also extremely helpful, as the tensions there were palpable. Three other members — Yuri, Natsuki, and aforementioned Sayori — were my truest of friends. Though I can’t trust them with everything (I haven’t told them about my struggles), I at least don’t have to put an absurd number of facades and masks. Just one mask of a friendly club president was enough :3

In my senior year, I — admittedly — was enrolled in too many courses. I was interested in philosophy in general, but didn’t quite fathom what exact topics we would be talking about. We went with the worst option, in hindsight — the meaning of life. I-

Sorry, just need to collect myself, give me a second.  
I hum a familiar sad melody I was recommended on Pear Music to calm my nerves a little.

I was instantly drawn in. Something was telling me that this is an interesting topic to explore — after all, answering the question would settle debates about everything! A solid grasp of life’s meaning and value (either extrinsic or intrinsic) can change our outlook on morals, ethics, politics, and so much more. Yet, we are unsure of what is right and what is wrong; we try to hold on to nonsensical explanations to feel better.

Cue in somber music: this is where absurdism comes in.

In that class, we brushed over the entire topic, delving in only to discuss how cool Albert Camus looked (he was a hottie, even if he smoked <3). My interest was piqued by how dismissive our teacher was about his theories, so I took it upon myself to read his _“The Myth of Sisyphus”_. I- I can’t even describe what I felt during the first read. I was confused by the flowery language and so many metaphors my head started to spin (figuratively, of course). Camus’ writing does remind me of Yuri, in a way: I never dove deep enough to understand the meaning behind her poems. Here, however, I decided it is too important to be left misunderstood! What if the meaning of life is actually in this work, and I am missing something? 

Spoiler alert — there was no answer, which was the reason for absurdity. At least, the answer was nowhere to be found by us. Therefore, he- He just recommended living life “as a rebel, to stick it up to life” or something (not a direct quote, but you get the gist). Unsatisfied with this answer, I clicked around and found a refutal of Camus’ conclusion (though, he is still the best-looking philosopher I know — better than Schopenhauer, that’s for sure) by Thomas Nagel.

That essay broke the camel’s back (I totally can into flowery language too! I just usually don’t care that much). I felt down-down, like down in the cave kind of down. Slowly, but surely, my grades were slipping, and my life became a true hell. And- and I stopped caring. Why care about the absurd life? Why care about the problems of mine and others when our experiences have no larger purpose, have no reason? 

There are rebuttals for these questions even within Nagel’s essay _“The Absurd”_ , but they aren’t helping much. “If _sub specie aeternitatis_ there is no reason to believe that anything matters, then that doesn’t matter either…” Can you tell me how do I work with this? Huh? Do I show this to my brain that wants only the top achievements, to my parents who await the A’s and will not settle for anything lower? 

Yeah, I digress. I am, honestly, too tired to think anymore. And, more importantly, to care. The life is absurd, I accept it. What I don’t accept is my place in it.

I take a deep breath. My heart is trying to leap out of my body, supposedly to avoid being damaged in the fall. The brain becomes so foggy that I just faintly hear my name from behind.

Putting the remaining strength into my legs, I gracefully jump and rotate enough to see the watery eyes of Sayori. Her distressed face is painted with horror as her voice cracks.

Slowly, like a leaf in an autumn forest, I fall towards the ground. I shouldn’t care about anything anymore, life is meaningless, life is meaningless, life is meaningless…

_Then why did it hurt to see Sayori cry?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the chapter 1 of this series! There are 12 chapters planned for this work, with (perhaps) an extra chapter as an epilogue.
> 
> I have specific ideas and progressions for each chapter, but I have no idea whether they make sense in terms of pacing and character development. I look forward to your comments and criticisms, I will be extremely happy to adjust my writing to ensure that the story is a good read.
> 
> I know that Monika can seem OOC in this work, but I think that her comments about her experienced epiphany and existential dread are enough to justify her actions in this and later chapters. I hope that I can properly depict her struggles.
> 
> Please note that I won't be delving that much in Yuri/Natsuki as they are the characters I relate the least to out of four girls. It would be hard for me to depict them in this fanfic. My apologies to all Natsuri fans :3


	2. Hollow Heart

Beep.  
My entire body is feeling the beep. I slowly piece together the moments before my awakening. 

_I- I survived._  
Beep.  
Cue in the pain.  
Beep.

The pain is insufferable. It lingers in every faucet of my body, threatening to tear it apart.  
The beeping intensifies. I feel my consciousness slipping away again. 

Beep.

* * *

I see the horrible fluorescent light through my eyelids. Pain is still a problem, though not as intense of a one as before. Another significant change is my left hand, which is enveloped in nice warmth.

I slowly open my eyes to see a familiar color — coral pink. And a signature red bow that is loose and threatening to fall from the head of a person giving me this warmth in the cold, depressing hospital room — Sayori.

I think I twitched from pain when moving my head to look around, which Sayori noticed. She is now wryly smiling at me while trying to fix her unfixable school blouse. How many hours have I been in here?

She tries to keep her upbeat energy when starting to speak to me:

“Hi, Monika! I- I see you are awake and doing good\~ Natsuki and Yuri still don’t know, and your parents decided to come this-“

_Ugh, my parents._

“This wee- weekend.”

I notice the small tears in her eyes.

“Ehehe, just need a s-second to collect myself…”Floodgates are threatening to open any moment now. I feel her hand tightly squeezing mine.

“I-I-“

_He brought a flood upon the world of the ungodly_

Tears were flowing down the petite face of Sayori. Her upbeat demeanor is all but gone; fear and sorrow are now filling her entire expression.

“Mo-Monika, I-I- am so glad you- you are aliveeeeeeeee!”

I don’t want to hear any of this right now. Ugh. Please, God, if you are hearing this right now, can you crank up the dial on my morphine machine, so I painlessly go?

“I was searching for you after you haven’t shown up for the club! I only f-found you on that rooftop! And I-I tried to scream and stop yo-you but you j-j-j-jumped! Moni, I was so-so scared! W-why?”

My brain is foggy because of my fall towards my death AND morphine, so I just stare at her, unable to answer. She is still trembling from tears and hiccups.

Silence falls between us two. I am still processing the first batch of what Sayori said to me at the beginning of the scene while she is violently trying to stop herself from further crying. Beeping from a heart monitor (or is it my mind beeping?) stops any coherent thought process in its tracks. We spend the next two minutes staring at each other, unable to strike the conversation.

Sayori, now calmed a little, is first to disperse the silence.

“Hey, Moni~ Can you hear me alright?”

I blink. The pain is manageable.

“I am sorry I didn’t see you were struggling. I am sorry I wasn’t there when you hurt.”

I shake my head, which manifests as a painful thunder throughout my body. The beeping intensifies.

“OOO-Oh Golly, uh, Monika! They said you really hurt your neck in the-“ — Sayori suddenly stutters, as if even thinking about my actions still pains her heart — “jump. You need to rest, okay?”

She clumsily adjusts my head on a pillow. I open my eyes again to see her concerned expression.

“Moni, you don’t have to tell me everything right now, but I am always here if you need to talk to someone, okay? I want to help you," — Sayori's soft voice is drowned by the beeping. 

I blink again, not entirely sure what to say back. She beams, although unenthusiastically, and gets her schoolbag from the chair she was sitting in.

I am still working with my non-cooperating brain (was it always so hard to think?) when I see her wave me goodbye from the doorway. She is also saying something, though it is getting tougher to concentrate. I tiredly wave with my right hand, and Sayori exits the room.

Beep. I feel my eyelids closing. I am not protesting. Beep.

* * *

I am not sure how much time has passed since Sayori was gone. The beeping of the patient monitor is still annoying, though not debilitating to my thought process as before. I see a nurse right next to me, adjusting the valve on the morphine machine.

She jumped a little when she realized I was staring at her, but now is trying to explain my situation to me. I was found on the ground by Sayori, who then met the paramedics team. Though I landed on soft ground, and not (as I initially hoped) on the asphalt, I sustained severe damage on my neck, which warranted my placement in the ICU. I am apparently doing very great (can someone do great when trying to kill themselves?) and they expect me to be relocated to an in-patient psychiatric unit either tomorrow or the day after that.

I clenched my fists a little when I heard the in-patient unit mentioned. I am not fond of the idea of staying in the psychiatric unit (since the horror stories I was told in my childhood are still fresh in my mind). I remain silent, and the nurse takes it as a clue to continue.

"... Ms. Tokusuke?"

I flinch at my surname and look up, only to realize that I probably zoned out most of what the nurse has said to me just now.

"Or should I call you Monika?" — she asks me, gently.

I nod, and she continues:

"It is sad that you had to go through so much pain alone, but I am glad that you are here with us, alive."

I am taken aback, not sure of what to think. The nurse gently strokes my shoulder and says:

"It is okay to feel down, and it is fine to ask for help when you need it, okay? I hope you feel better soon," — her smile was almost as sweet and warm as Sayori's. 

I blink. She pardons herself, and I am again left with my thoughts. They are dark. The room seems to narrow down on me. I feel a little dizzy before falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, I am not very well-versed in AO3 and writing. Again, if you see any mistakes, errors or plain weirdness, please let me know in the comments!
> 
> I forgot to mention in the previous chapter notes, but I have written 4 chapters out completely before starting to upload the fanfic here. I will try my earnest to keep the same writing style for the later chapters (again, I suck at writing, especially with works larger than 500-word essays). 
> 
> There is also some debate in my head about the fall and how it affected Monika's health. I will try to give more details in later chapters, and ensure that the damage is referenced too (there are consequences to our actions, which I hate to admit :3). 
> 
> Thank you again for continuing to read this fanfic! It means a lot to me that you take your time and energy to read this!
> 
> Edit 10/02/21: I added some spacing in this chapter, to make it consistent with the newest chapter, where each dialog is separated from the other text. Also, the Tokusuke last name for Monika was selected because of Nakae Chōmin (Tokusuke), who was one of the major developers of liberalism in Japan.


	3. Avoiding the Problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sayori POV

Ah, school is finally ending. I am already feeling some pressure wind down, and my shoulders go down anticipating the bell.

Familiar ringing fills the corridors, and my peers, some of whom had already packed their belongings, start to exist the classroom. The geometry teacher is desperately trying to say something about the homework, but to no avail. I am heading towards the door when Natsuki calls to me. I stop, and rotate my head just enough to see her worried expression.

"Sayori? I-I wanted to talk to you," — the petite girl is fidgeting a little.

I sigh inwardly, and put up my best smile I can muster after a long day at school:  
"What is it, Natsuki?"

She shoots me a glance to answer my question. Of course, it's about Monika.

"Monika is not feeling great, and is skipping the school because of that," — I say, with my voice stern.

I mean, I am not lying, right? And I think it's better for now to keep things simple. Natsuki, unable to say anything back, sighs and, looking at the floor, quietly exits the room. 

_See how useless you are as a friend? Natsuki wants to help, and you are just being selfish._

I put down another attempt of my erratic brain to shoot me in the foot, and start to make my way towards the clubroom. It has been two days since... since the attempt (it is still hard to say that, even in my thoughts), but the rumors have spread like wildfire. Gladly, many students worship Monika, so the idea that she tried to 'end' herself did not gain any traction. The most prevalent theory now is that she was set up, and someone has pushed her over. My role was quickly forgotten, and that's for the better. It is easier to keep the masks straight.

_Yeah, they are masks and lies, nothing more. What else can you expect from your useless self?_

I see the clubroom door. I sigh again, and put the brightest smile before opening it. Yuri, the cute but quiet bookworm, is sitting in the corner of the room with the book in her hands. She is looking out the window, as if she had forgotten about the book in her hands. Natsuki is struggling by the wardrobe, trying to get her manga from the top shelf. 

"Hi everyone!" — I proclaim, my voice shaking just a little from exhaustion. Both girls murmur their welcomes before continuing on their activities. I make my way to the teacher's desk, and start putting down the paperwork for this week.

Attendance paper — check. Activity planner: there is just a simple mistake, but otherwise, good enough. Erm, the Club Festival Checklist, where was it? Uh, I think here...

I suddenly become very aware that someone is standing right in front of me. I move my eyes up and see a flustered Yuri violently combing her hair. Seriously though, have I mentioned that Yuri is super cute yet?

"Yeah, Yuri, what's up?" — trying to defuse the anxiety of the literary behemoth, I smile.

"A-Ah, I suppose I have a question about Monika's sudden disappearance..."

Maybe I visibly frowned, because Yuri is fidgeting even more furiously. 

_Useless._

"Yuri, sorry! I didn't mean to offend you! It's just... many people have asked me this question already, and I have said the same thing over and over again. But yeah, I am not mad at you, okay?"

I see Natsuki in the back of the room staring at our little scene. Yuri's tense shoulders relax a little, though her hands are still combing her hair.

"I-I apologize for prying in, I suppose I haven't considered the question's prevalence among the student p-population..."

"No offense taken, okay? I know that you care about Monika as much as I do, and we are all stressed about it. Tell you and Natsuki what... Let's have a little meeting right now!" — being always cheerful is tiring. But this is for Natsuki and Yuri, and, more importantly, for Monika. I have to stay strong for them...

_By lying?_

We quickly assemble at the centre of the clubroom, and the tension in the air is almost suffocating when I start to speak:  
"I know this week was rough... Monika was gone from your lives just as abruptly as mine, and we are all concerned about her health and wellbeing. I am sorry for not telling you the whole story, but I think it will be more beneficial to give Monika some space right now."

Natsuki and Yuri both stare at me in surprise. I sigh, and continue:  
"I am sorry, really, really sorry. But when the doc- Monika feels better, we will all visit her and cheer her up, okay? I think we can do that... in a couple of days! I will tell you all the details then, okay?"

My gleeful smile didn't magically defuse the room, so we stayed quiet for a whole moment before I started talking again.

"Okay, everyone! We have some things to go over today, and then you have the rest of the club time to yourselves. First thing on our agenda: the School Festival!"

I hear a groan. Turning to the side of the noise, I see its source — Natsuki is getting angrier.

_Great, so you lied, and now you are bringing their mood down too? So much for the Acting-President._

Shush. I continue:  
"Hey, hey, I know this is not something we want to do, and I totally want our club to sit out this festival... But the student council has summoned me today to give a stern warning about participating, so we have no choice."

Another groan. Yuri is violently fidgeting. I am losing my last bits of confidence, I feel my hand shaking a bit.

_See, Monika was far superior to you. She would have easily made this work._  
_Worthless, useless piece of..._

My train of thoughts is interrupted by Yuri, who exclaims:  
"Are you okay, Sayori?"

I come back to the clubroom, only to see the worried expressions of Yuri and Natsuki.

_Great, now you are worrying them, too. Stupid._

"Ehehe, I am okay, thanks for checking in! I was just lost in thought. How about we do the minimum amount required? We can simply prepare the pamphlets, the banner and cupcakes, and sit in this clubroom, doing our stuff? When someone comes in, I can do the talking, not that I expect someone to join, ehehe..."

Both girls relax, and I happily sigh. Crisis averted, go Sayori!

_You are making the Literature Club worse. What will Monika think, huh?_

I quickly disperse these thoughts and come back to the meeting at hand.

"For the second item... Ah! It's already the end of club time. Sorry, girls, I need to rush, but I will see you later, okay?"

With that haphazard goodbye, I run to collect my documents and shove them into my book bag. I turn around at the exit to wave goodbye, and run towards the staircase.

Oh, Monika, please feel better soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh, AO3 and Ulysses (if you don't know, it's a great Markdown-like editor for iOS and Mac that I usually use for writing) are very different. I will try to come back and edit all the chapters so that the text is not weirdly clumped together. If you have any suggestions, let me know!
> 
> Sorry for the slight hint of Sayuri here (I just wanted to highlight that Sayori ridicules herself for acting the way she does and justifies the same actions when others do it). 
> 
> And yet again (I will never get tired of this) I want to sincerely thank you for reading!
> 
> Edit 10/02/21: As with Chapter 2 and 4, I have added spacings to the dialogs to make them consistent with styling.


	4. Facing Consequences

Ah, pain. Thanks for checking in today too.

I grudgingly open my eyes to see a different nurse. Maybe I had a surprised expression on my face, or maybe my eyes gave the dirty look because the nurse is quick to explain that she is in the evening shift. I close my eyes, and she continues to work on charting.

Until, of course, something major happens. First, I hear the rattle outside the hospital room. Something of an argument, I suppose? There are three voices, one deep and another squeaky filling the corridors. There is also a faint voice of someone else, like they are exhausted by the entire situation. I perk up, and look quizzically at the nurse. She half-shrugs and starts moving to the door, when, suddenly, the heroes of the shouting match appear. My heart quite literally sinks.

It's my parents.

My dad looks furious. He shoves the nurse to the side and starts his angry tirade right away:  
"How could YOU do that? HUH? Do you think it is some sort of GAME? I AM WORKING, breaking MY LITERAL BACK at WORK, to ensure you have a roof atop your head and food to eat! AND YOU PAY ME BACK LIKE THIS? BY JUMPING OFF A BUILDING?"

Uh, yeah, I actually think this entire schtick of life is bullcrap, but I won't say it out loud. I continue to watch him in total silence.

"I HAD TO COME BACK HOME FROM A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING! If you weren't SO SELFISH ALL THE TIME LIKE YOUR MOTHER, I WOULD HAVE landed US A TRIP to Hawaii!" — I could see his nostrils inflating with each angry passage.

_By the way, I am sorry for not being sorry, but I despise these 'trips' we take God knows where all the time. We don't even bond on those, and I end up missing my friends and the Literature Club!_

Right, uh, Literature Club. The one place I cherished but decided to abandon because of my epiphany. Do I even care about the club anymore?

I suppose my absentmindedness was present on my face because I heard my name clanked out by my dad.

"Mo-ni-ka... I repeat one last time — I don't want to hear any of this MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS BULL**** ANYMORE!"

His chest violently rises and deflates with each breath. My mom is weirdly sitting this public beating out. Huh. She was always quick to join in on berating and shaming. Maybe she understands my struggles? Maybe she loves me, not my achievements and my status at school?

Well, this fantasy doesn't get entertained for long because as soon as my dad storms out of the room, leaving me, my mother and a speechless nurse together, another act begins.  
"The act of self-victimization", as I like to call it. Or, put in more simple terms: complete and utter bullcrap. I am beginning to sound more like my dad, huh.

A tragic (and completely played) growl shakes the room. My mom collapses onto the floor, petty tears filling her eyes. The nurse, still shocked by the previous scene, remains in her place.   
After a moment of sobbing, my mother starts speaking. In hindsight, it would be best if she didn't.

"Oh Monika, why did you do this to me? Did I do something wrong? I am so hurt that you didn't tell me you were struggling!"

Oh! Notice how the voice didn't flinch or stutter once. Yeah, the acting part. I totally understand, though: my mom is a popular actress, so a play on this scale is easy for her.

_It does hurt more than dad's outbursts, though._

"I am always worried about my little girl, you see?" — she turns to the startled nurse. I wonder why she didn't excuse herself already. Maybe she is secretly enjoying my torture here.

"And to know this... this inexcusable act she committed! It breaks my very heart. I am decimated." Another crying spree. 

_I am ready to go, God. Just take me away already._

The crying continues for some time. I zoned out a long time ago to protect the small pieces of my sanity, and didn't notice when my mother has excused herself from the room. 

I want to have the room empty, but it wasn't. Poor nurse who had to endure the entire shebang is still in the room, utter confusion clearly readable in her eyes. She clears her throat and shyly moves a little closer to the monitors, trying to continue her job. She is interrupted again, however, as Sayori enters the room.

"A-Ah, sorry! I will come in a minute." — Sayori starts making her way backwards to the corridor.

The nurse, sighing, replies: "It's okay, I am almost done here. Just need to adjust this valve and... done. Ms. Tokusuke, the doctor will be visiting you in the morning. Excuse me."

We remain alone in the room. Sayori is visibly agitated, she is fidgeting more than usual. I glance in question, and she, exhaling, starts:  
"I- might have listened in a little bit, ehehe..."

Her eyes move across the room and stare into the distance. I flinch and close my eyes in frustration. I always wanted to keep those two out of the public eye to maintain my image as an unwavering, perfect can-do-it-all. Now, however, the genie is out of the lamp. Though, I suppose you can say the genie got out the same time I plummeted towards the earth from that rooftop.

Sayori suddenly clears her throat, which causes me to open my eyes and look at her.

"But they are serious jerks!" — I am startled. — "Huge, huge meanies! Don't believe the things they said. You are an absolutely amazing person, and I- we miss you a lot in Literature Club, and we will be there to support you, always!" — she cheerfully noted.

I feel something hot burning my cheeks. My right arm instinctively goes up, and Sayori notices it, too.

Oh.

"M-Monika! It's okay, here." — she pulls up a handkerchief and extends it to my right arm. I feel more tears bubble up in my eyes, but I nod and try my earnest to give a smile to the cinnamon bun.

... Let's just say the attempt has failed, and my tears started rolling down more enthusiastically. As sobbing turns into ugly crying, I feel my barriers, my masks, my lies and my heart break.

_I hate this. I hate this. Hate everything about my parents, hate them so much I wish them death. I hate myself for these thoughts, and I am tired of being hurt, of being used and abused like this. God, I hate you too._

I am not sure how much time has passed. My "bawling out my eyes" session turned into a "hiccup central", as I desperately tried to regain some composure. I feel warmth concentrated on my left arm (which has a bunch of IV tubes connected to it), as I turn my unstable gaze towards the source of that warmth — Sayori.

"You are okay, you are okay, they are gone now, you are safe here..." — she repeats as some sort of mantra to me. I feel the tension dissipate in my body, and I relax in the bed.

"H-Hey, Sayori?" — my hoarse voice cuts the air.

"Yeah?"

"Thank y-you. A lot. I am happy I have you in my life."

"Ehehe, and I am happy to have YOU in my life!" — she beams.

We stay together for a bit, Sayori's hands caressing mine. We talk about things, about school, about the club. Soon, the sun sets down, coloring the entire room in bright orange. Sayori, worriedly looking out the window, decides it's time for her to go. 

After giving me an awkward half-hug, she beams me a goodbye before leaving. Gosh, she is such an amazing person.

I start drifting away again. I-I think it's the medication that the nurse has brought in. _Or maybe it's the tiring nature of today's events?_

I sigh inwardly and fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This concludes the pre-written part of this fanfic! Next chapters will be written to be posted directly here :3 As I mentioned in the beginning, I am more than willing to re-write chapters to make this work more coherent and enjoyable, so let me know down in the comments what your thoughts are!
> 
> Did I already mention that I am thankful for your time? Yes? Well, too bad! Thank you :p
> 
> Edit 10/02/21: spacing editing. I did notice that I get less informative with each edit update, so here is a full sentence to change that fact! Did I also break the fourth wall a bit in this chapter note? We will never know.


	5. Rainclouds

It's been several days since I have been discharged from the ICU. The days drag on slowly in the psychiatric unit. I end up staring at a wall most of the time, until either a nurse or Sayori come around. Those are the most active phases of my day, after which it's the "how many hours can a human look at a wall before getting deathly bored" show.

Besides the wall and my bed, there is also a table with a chair, and a large window to the outside. The psychiatric unit is located on the ground floor, with the window pointing north. I do end up seeing the sun a little, but I definitely miss looking at the sunsets and thinking about stuff. I only realize how restrictive being in an in-patient unit is in these moments of clarity. Otherwise, I don't pay much attention to anything. If they wanted to do some science experiments on me, I wouldn't mind.

The treatment... is fine? I am not sure how someone can gauge the progress I am making. I only saw my psychiatrist once, and he started me on escitalopram. He warned me that there would be an increase in suicidal thoughts for a while, but I haven't still seen that. I just have the usual amount of dark thoughts.

My idyll is breached when I hear a creak of the door. I hear a multitude of voices, one of them is Sayori's. I slowly turn my stare to see her in the doorway, smiling and waving at me. Is it ever exhausting to be this cheerful?

"Heyo, Moni! I have some guests if you don't mind!"

I quietly wave my hand, and she makes her way to my bed, along with the guests. I have to put a little effort to realize it's Natsuki and Yuri, looking (understandably) shook by the entire scene. 

"Hello, everyone," — my throat is sore from not speaking to anyone for the whole day, and my voice gets dampened by the white walls of the purgatory I am in.

"H-hi Monika," — answers Yuri.

Natsuki seems the most dazed out of the three, with her gaze going up and down, inspecting my overall condition. She specifically stops at my neck, where a plastic brace is holding my head in place. I twitch from an uncomfortable realization that people are going to accent their attention on this for a while.

"What... the... fudge."

Natsuki is breathing heavily. Yuri, shrieking, moves slightly away from the door, and starts to work through her hair to calm down. Sayori's bubbly demeanour turns into a sour expression, and she shushes towards Natsuki to express disapproval. I turn my gaze away.

Once absent thoughts now flood my head with so many feelings. The most prominent — tiredness. I don't want to explain away my problems here, not before everyone. I hate the situation I am in, _I just want to be dead, I hate this responsibility, I hate this despiteful life, ..._

My hand is warm. I hear some ruckus going on. It takes me a while to collect myself. When I finally come back to my hospital room, I wish I didn't.

Sayori's worriedly looking into my eyes. Yuri is fidgeting violently in the corner, while Natsuki is nowhere to be found. I feel cold tears on my cheeks. How many minutes was I MIA?

Ah, hello, suicidal thoughts. I now understand what the doctor meant when he warned of anti-depressant side effects. I hastily wipe the trails away, and stare into Sayori's eyes for comfort. It's easy to lose yourself there, which I do. Another undisclosed amount of time passes (or is it my brain being slow because of the pills?) when Sayori finally starts speaking:  
"Moni, sorry for the lukewarm meeting. I was hoping that seeing Nat and Yuri would help out, but- but I didn't this through, obviously, ehehe..."

I close my eyes.

"It's okay, Sayori. I understand why Natsuki reacted the way she did," — my voice is shaky.

"Uh, no! It's just my fault, I didn't plan this properly! I wanted to keep this under wraps until you were ready, so I lied to them, and then, and then—"

I feel the hand being squeezed. I open my eyes again only to see Sayori's watery eyes. I hold her hand with both of mine.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. Thank you so much for worrying about me. I am glad to see Yuri and Natsuki, and I am super thankful I have a super cool vice-president."

Maybe my tone wasn't very convincing, but Sayori just shook her head and withdrew her hands. She has now a worried expression, and her arms are crossed.

"No, I just need to do better. Hm, Yuri?" — she turned to face the purple-haired girl in the corner — "Would you mind finding Natsuki? She always had a soft spot for you, and I think you can reason with her better at this moment."

"I-I suppose so. Ex-excuse me."

"Thank you!"

I muster the entire energy of my chakra (I read about this in one book about Asian mythology) to smile and wave at Yuri while she was going outside.

Time ticks in a silent room. Sayori and I are looking out the window, as the rainclouds collect in the day sky and threaten to pour at any second. I have heard that the thunderstorm is coming soon while eating in the cafeteria. I guess the news was true.

"You know, Moni, I feel this way."

I adjust my position on the bed to face Sayori, who is longingly looking out to the grim sky. She takes my silence as a clue to continue.

"These rainclouds. They cover the brightness of the day, they rob you of the warmth from the sun... They tell you nasty things while you try to just enjoy your life."

I am shocked. What she is describing... seems awfully similar to what I have felt. Sayori looks at me, pain in her gaze noticeable for the first time.

"You know when I spend time with you, the LIT club? It always starts off nice, but then I feel how the rainclouds take my happiness away. Every time, I feel like I am not doing enough, that I am not funny enough, that I butt in and just ruin the fun for you guys. I feel horrible even if this is supposed to be one of the best moments in my life."

I don't remember when I exactly decided to hug Sayori, but my arms were around her when I finally realized what I am doing. I guess my maternal instinct kicked in, and I wanted to reassure her that everything would be fine (even if I didn't believe that myself).

"Monika? Ah, eh?"

I feel her trying to adjust to my sudden bearhug while the bed is squeaking to show off its disapproval of our actions.  
Her arms gently rest on my back, and I feel her head on my shoulder.

"Ehehe, I came to help you today, and for some reason, I am being helped instead..."

I thread my hand through her hair. It's a little stiff, but I don't mind. 

The screeching door startled us, and by the time two other members of the LIT ONLY CLUB (I like this name, haha) appear, we are sitting miles apart with Sayori. 

"H-hey Monika, I wanted to a-a-apologize," — Natsuki's muffled voice behind Yuri is hard to hear.

I wave at her and indicate to her to take a seat. Perking up, she finds her way to the chair near the desk, and lets out a huge sigh of relief. Yuri, also seemingly relaxed, makes her way closer to the window. After a long and comfortable pause, Natsuki starts speaking again:

"So, Monika. Can you tell us what the _heck_ is going on?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Ulysses is screaming at me with 14 errors for this chapter. I edited it as much as I could, but while it is a good story-wise (more exposure for Sayori and Monika/Sayori relationship), it seems a bit weird stylistically. I hope it is a good read!
> 
> I went ahead and edited the other chapters a bit (format only, plus some weird moments where I forgot Monika had a neck injury and had her nod). Again, please let me know what can be improved as this is the largest piece I wrote (we are almost at a 6000 words barrier, halfway there!)
> 
> Oh...  
> Wait. Is that? Can you see it in the distance? 
> 
> It's my love and appreciation for you reading this chapter! AND for the hits/kudos! I am glad that you find this piece enjoyable!
> 
> Also, before I forget - the next chapter can be a little hard to read (not because of gore/NSFW stuff) as there is ample discussion on systematic failings in mental health field. I think it is important to talk about them, because we do need stronger mental health support and better professionals. 
> 
> However, if you are in a crisis, please reach out! Crisis lines for countries around the globe are available on Wikipedia, and you can always talk to someone you trust about your hardships (it's okay to seek help!)


	6. Cracks in the System

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notice: this chapter is harder to read. Not because of gore or explicit descriptions of violence, but because of the sensitive nature of discussed shortcomings of the mental health system.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

I am waiting for the doctor to come around. He is late, as indicated by the wall clock in his cabinet. A while back, the nurse came around and said that he is held up by another patient. Exactly when I was told that he would be late is hard to pinpoint because my current medication Quetiapine makes it hard to think. Like, at all. My mind is becoming progressively lazy with each day I am on medication, and I have also started sleeping in on most of the days.

I hear the door opening and closing. It takes a bit of energy to turn my gaze to the person in the door. I am still processing my thoughts while Sayori takes a seat next to the entrance. 

“Hi, Moni! How’s it going today?”

I blurb out a weak hello.

“Hey, are you feeling okay? Have you had a therapy session yet?” — her look is worriedly inspecting me.

I blink twice (we have agreed that this is a code for ’No’). She hums. We are again sitting in uncomfortable silence.

That silence doesn’t last very long, as she springs up from the chair, and opens the door. I am again left alone, so I sigh and continue staring at a clock.

Not long after, I hear high-pitched screaming from the corridor. Focusing my brain on what the screaming is about proves itself a futile attempt, but I recognize Sayori’s voice. Is she the one screaming?

Screaming stops shortly after, and the coral-haired girl is back in the chair. She nervously smiles at me. I raise my eyebrows, and she, sighing, explains:  
“Ah, I-… I just had a talk with a nurse, ehehe…”

After a deep breath, she continues:  
“I really want you to see a counsellor, but the nurse told me that there are none currently available… They are actually struggling to find enough to fill the spots, but she said she would try to find someone ASAP.”

I blink once. The sound of the wall clock again fills the air of the room. It takes me a full mental exercise to remember that the doctor is late. I want to sleep.

The door opens yet again, and the doctor rushes into the cabinet. He is young-looking compared to other staff, but the big circles underneath his eyes show that is just as busy as others. I would feel any guilt if my mind was normally processing emotions, but it is running in energy-saving mode. I peel my gaze away from the wall clock and stare at the doctor as he is pulling my chart from the table. 

“So, Monika, how are we feeling today?”

“Not great.”

He shuffles the papers.

“Hmm, Quetiapine is what I have put you on last time. It’s been a week already, and you don’t feel any better?”

“No,” — my voice breaks a bit.

“Okay… Let’s change the dose to a larger one. This should help you.”

I twitched. I want to tell him that side effects are unbearable, that my suicide indentations only spiked in the last week, that I am gaining weight, and, and...

I look away.

The ticking continues.

"... Okay, Monika? We will check in again next week. For now, please go rest."

I stand up on my sleepy legs, and struggle to maintain balance. My body gives in, and I feel the fall. The memory of that night. It is so clear. So bright my eyes hurt.

I find the gentle embrace. Coral pink hair is tickling my cheek. There are the sounds of commotion, but I don't care. I never cared to begin with.

They say that hope dies last. What they don't mention is what happens after it does. I can tell, I am living through it right now.

Darkness. It's like oil, sticking to every faucet of your life, depriving you of any pleasure. Annoying you with its presence, threatening to tear you apart.

Warm. Beating of heart. It's fast.   
Scream.   
Sharp inhale.   
I feel distant. I feel away. The passenger on a bus with no set destination. The hostage of my physical body.

"... Monika! Monika!!!"  
My name. My earthly name? Someone is calling me. I need to reply. But words are stuck in my throat, not moving. They painfully slash my heart. 

Need to reply.  
Need to be strong.  
 _for what?_

Slowly, my senses come back. No, more like they barge in, a group of uninvited acquaintances that crashes at my place. The warmth of another body close to mine is suddenly hot, like I am in a mouth of a volcano. Previous tiredness now stings across my body. The cold tears are freezing my cheeks, and the unclear vision now is completely blurry. I hear my name again, cutting my ears, causing discomfort.

I finally manage to focus my gaze on Sayori, who is sitting beside my bed. I don't remember how I was transported to my room, but I don't care. I see her face is puffy, and tears are slowly running down to her jawline. 

_She is pretty cute, even when ugly-crying, huh._

My name finally rings a bell, and I reply with a groan.

"Sayori..."

"Monika! I- I- was so- so worrie-ed. A-are you feeling ok-okay now?"

I can't muster the energy to lie, so I remain silent. The noise outside is the only thing that violates the peace of the silence. I feel my hand raised and held in a tight embrace.

We stay like this for a long time. The sun goes down, and lights outside turn on to disperse the nightly darkness. Sayori's previous hiccups were replaced by laboured breathing, then by silent inhales and exhales. Her eyes are fixed on the wall, just as mine are fixed on a ceiling. We could have stayed like this forever.

But the creaky door opens again, and reveals the nurse. 

"Sorry, Ms. Sato, but the visitation period has ended, we kindly ask you to vacate the premises."

"... Yes," — Sayori says, her voice quiet.

She releases my hand, and I suddenly feel the warmth sucked away. My hand instinctively latches on to her uniform. Sayori stops for a moment, then turns to face me with a bittersweet smile.

"I will come tomorrow too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp! I am back in the depressive mood, so it is infinitely easier to write this fanfic! Who would have thought that being sad actually helps with something?
> 
> It has been some time (uncomfortable amount of time, according to my brain) since the new chapter, but I have pledged that I will finish this work. We are at the end of first half of this story, but the hospital will play a role in this fanfic for two more chapters. 
> 
> I hope that my work will be able to convey what struggle it is to actually receive help for mental health issues. In US, therapy is prohibitively expensive, and even with insurance, can be hard to find. Canada is better, but there are still challenges (not enough professionals, the cost of individual sessions, and general stigma). In my home country, we don't even have a crisis hotline! Can you believe that? 
> 
> It can seem like the cards are stacked against you (and I honestly found myself thinking this way many times before), but reaching out is still important. Again, if you are struggling, you need to remind yourself that you are not alone, AND you are strong (even if it does not feel this way). Reach out to people you trust and tell them what's going on, or find the crisis line in your area on Wikipedia (a simple Google search "crisis line [your country]" should do).
> 
> Is that a bird? Or is it a plane? No! It's my appreciation for you reading and kudosing this fanfic! Ehehe >:3


	7. Gambit Declined

The sounds of a struggling coffee machine filled my ears, and I twitched. Being jumpy around loud sounds is new for me, but I guess it’s normal after two weeks of confinement in the serenity of the psychiatric unit. Come to think of it, this is the first time in almost a month that I have been going somewhere not in the main hospital building. The coffee shop is still technically on the hospital grounds, and Sayori was given strict instructions to not go anywhere beyond it, but it is a change of pace. Whether it is nice or not, I haven’t decided yet.

Sayori’s hand is resting in mine, and she is struggling with a cup of her matcha tea. I have my right hand on the canned coffee from a vending machine (uh, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to the barista, thank you for asking). A thought of releasing her hand has crossed my mind multiple times, but I just held it tighter. The memory of the warmth escaping me is far too fresh in my mind.

The muffled cry coming from the left has my gaze turn to the couple sitting one table behind Sayori. I see her perking up and looking quizzically at me, but I concentrate on the man comforting his wife. Bits and pieces of their conversation reach me, and I feel my heart dropping.

Their child. 

Sayori must have heard that too because her shoulders tensed up, and she looked away. She is no longer trying to drink her tea. The realization hits both of us like a bullet train, and we remain silent for some time.

It’s only when the couple leaves and the activity in the café dies down I attempt to start a conversation:  
“Hey, Sayori.”

She perks up.

“Yes, Moni?”

“What… what do you think about that?”

She looks away.

“It’s… sad,” — her voice is wavering.

“… Yeah.”

Sayori’s hand moves away. I feel the warmth escaping like before. I want to hold it again, but I stop after looking at her.

She is crying.  
_oh no._

She desperately tries to cover her face. Her shoulders go up and down while she is gasping for air. I am lost, I don’t know what to do. How do I support her? Was it a bad idea to bring it up? _Did I screw up again?_

My thoughts stop when I feel the warmth again. I see Sayori’s puffy eyes looking worriedly at me. I need to say something, right? 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-“ — my voice is hoarse.

Damn it, is this all I can come up with? 

“Don’t worry, Moni~ I think I needed this, ehehe…” 

She is slyly smiling. I feel relief washing over my body. I smile back.

“Are you okay, though? You looked terrified just a moment ago, Monika.”

I sigh:  
“Yeah, I thought I just screwed up when I asked you about them.”

“Ehehe, don’t worry! It must have weighted down on you too, which is why you brought it up, right?”

Yeah, it did. The couple’s exchange has stirred up the feelings I have long bottled up. I want her to listen, I want her to know my struggle, but the guilt of troubling her weights down on me. 

“Why do you think we suffer, Sayori?”

My mind registered what I asked only after the words came out of my mouth. I feel the tsunami of anxiety threatening to drown me. Sayori was taken aback by my rather direct question, but now looks absent-mindedly somewhere, as if immersed in the thought process. She squeezes my hand, and I return the gesture. 

A full minute has passed, it seems, when Sayori finally spoke:  
“I don’t think there is a reason, actually.”

Now it is my time to be confused. I guess my dumbfounded expression is clear to Sayori because she is quick to continue:  
“I mean, I also found myself asking the same question, you know? Especially in the moments when the rainclouds were super-mean to me. I never came up with a good answer, so I just accepted that there is no answer.”

She takes my silence as a cue to continue:  
“You know, like buddhism? My parents were following it very closely, even went to India once to visit some shrines. I was never religious to begin with, and religious processes are a bit beyond me, but I think some of their teachings stuck with me, ehehe~”

“And doesn’t it suck that we have to suffer needlessly? Why do we continue living our lives if the suffering is unavoidable and gracious?”

Sayori is again lost in thought. I sigh inwardly. This is what was weighting me down all this time. Things I never said to anyone before, concerns no-one heard before. These are important to me, and I look expectingly at Sayori for her answer.

“I don’t think there is an answer?”

I lose it. How can she be so naive? How can she be this stoic? Living without reason, living day to day, suffering like an animal, caged and tortured?

I think Sayori saw my boiling emotions:  
“Ah- Sorry, but can you let me continue?”

I steady myself. Sayori sighs, and, visibly uncomfortable, says:  
“Look, Monika, I know my outlook is disappointing. I mean, we all yearn for some purpose, right? And I agree on that! But I don’t think there is one answer for all of us.”

I shoot her a skeptical glance. She nods.

“I know, I know, ehehe. But if we were born into this world, why not take the most of the experience? Even if there is nothing after our lives, it doesn’t mean our memories and friends we made along the way not matter, right? We can experience joy and fun even if there is no reason or purpose to experience them.”

She practically beams at the end, like a small ray of sunshine illuminating the small café. 

It does make sense, if you think about it in a purely egoistic, nay, in personal way. But…

“What about that couple, though? Do you think they wanted their lives to be this way, Sayori?”

Her smile turns into a small frown.

“I don’t… I hope you can stop assuming my thoughts, Monika.”

I feel blood rush to my face. _I really screwed up now._

“S-sorry,” — I babble out.

She is back to beaming, though there is a small hint of sadness to it:  
“I am not offended. I know it is important to you… This is the first time you brought up anything since-”

I gulp.

“-since the attempt.”

She troublingly exhales.

“I think it’s important to acknowledge what has happened. So, even it is hard to say, I am still going to say it. I don’t want you to think that I am rubbing it in, but I believe this is going to be important going forward, for both of us.”

Wow, that sounded very mature. I feel my opinion of Sayori skyrocketing with each passing moment I spend with her. My eyes drift down, however, as now the guilt is weighting on my heart.

“Yeah, you are right, Sayori… I am really sorry for trying to take my own life, I wasn’t think-“

“No.”

I look up at my dearest friend and see her determined gaze. I shiver.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Monika. You were hurting, you were alone, you were cornered, and you couldn’t bear the pain anymore. I myself am sorry I didn’t see you suffering. However, it was in the past. Now, we are here-… Eh, Monika?”

My vision is weirdly blurry. I raise my right hand to my face and feel something wet. Ah, I am crying, aren’t I?

Sayori smiles warmly. I feel my chest tightening when she smiles like that. Her voice softly cuts the silence:  
“Let it out, Moni. Cry your eyes out.”

The lump stuck in my throat suddenly goes away, and I feel the tears completely blocking my view. I am out of breath almost immediately, and I gasp for air. My body is trembling with each sharp inhale. My heart is filled with sorrow, self-pity, guilt and all the other emotions that were bottled up before. All of them flow away in tears, in my silent screams, in my troubled exhales. 

I feel my body relaxing after the impromptu crying session. My hand is still squeezing Sayori’s, as if I am scared of ever letting her go. I wipe away my last tears and look at her again.

An orange tint falls on her face. The setting sun dances on her cute cheeks as she is slowly massaging my hand with her thumb. My heart skips a beat.

“Ehehe, so bright! I feel so warm right now, like I am on a beach,” — she laughs.

I chuckle. Another skipped beat. Weird.

“Well, Monika, how are you feeling now?” — she struggles to keep her eyes open under the radiant sunshine. 

“I feel a lot better. Thank you, Sayori,” — I warmly smile at her.

“Good, ehehe! Ready to come back to our previous conversation? Only if you want to, though…”

“Yeah. I am ready.”

She relaxes a little.

“Okay~ As I said, I think my life is all I am given, so I want to take everything from it! If it means spending time with friends, laughing or lo-lo-loving…”

She regains her composure.

“… I want to have that. Yes, there are awful things happening around us, but it’s not like I can change anything. I, of course, don’t want anyone to suffer either, but it’s not like possible for everyone to be always happy… So, I just do my best to help everyone I can, and enjoy the rest of my moments in between, ehehe!”

Wasn’t this something close to Russell? I feel the all-consuming fog in my brain clear up a little. 

“Thank you, Sayori.”

“Of course! Ehehe~” — her sly smile is infectious, I swear.

“No, I truly mean it. Now, is your drink also lukewarm?”

Her eyes widen, and she suddenly looks down at her cup.

“Oh my, you are right! The drinks!!!”

Sayori’s face looks like the field of the battle. On one hand, she was looking forward to this drink, saying so to me when she was ordering it. On another, she seems to want to brush it off. In the end, she smiles warmly. 

“Well, it seems to be our clue to go back, huh?”

I smile back.

“Yeah… Lead the way, Sayori.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM ON THE ROLL AND I AM NOT STOPPING AAAAA
> 
> ...  
> Breathe in, breathe out.  
> ...
> 
> Okay, I am back! I don't think one day is nearly enough to write an entire chapter (because each chapter needs careful writing, editing, proof-reading), but I just can't see how to improve it further. My mind blanks out and wants this chapter to just go live, and I can't bring myself to edit or add things in, so here it goes! I am extremely sorry if it is shallow, but I just don't think it will be good to pile up thousands of my ideas into one chapter. The next one will be the continuation of the dialogue on the meaning of life and existentialism, where I hope I can convey what Monika is thinking better. 
> 
> Now, to turn to Sayori... Her philosophy is similar to Schopenhauer or Buddhism (suffering is an innate part of life), but her way of dealing with the suffering is to (for a lack of a better word) ignore it. By focusing on things that she herself can change, she grounds herself in the moment and place, rather than ponder on everything at once and suffer for others as Monika does. Another defining feature of her philosophy is lack of universal meaning for everyone. She does not attempt to answer this question in the spirit of philosophers, but rather wants to find the answer for herself. 
> 
> I will bring up more philosophers later on, like Mortiz Schlick, and revisit Camus/Nagel/Russell, as there are more things left unsaid about their answers to the ever-present question of the meaning of life. 
> 
> Oof, my arms hurt, this box is so heavy. Sorry, can you help me carry this? ... Oh, you want to know what's inside? Ahaha, this box is full of my love and appreciation for reading this chapter! 
> 
> P.S.: coming up with new ways of expressing my thanks is so fun >w<


End file.
